Rules of the Normandy
by spaceboi101
Summary: after a lot of arguments Commander Shepherd makes a list of rules for the ship
1. updated version

Commander John Shepherd was wondering to himself whether a higher power was paying him back for whatever misdeeds he had done in a past life. In the past 2 hours Miranda and Jack had almost killed each other, Grunt and Mordin had a argument about the genophage (even though Mordin had cured it), Kelly and Treynor had started to argue about which one the Commander liked better and were now having a wrestling match in the war room, Garrus and Tali had been yelling about something at each other and last but not least Joker and EDI were trying to fly the ship drunk. What had he done to deserve this He asked himelf a he at done in his room and started to write down some rules

**Rules of the Normandy **

**1. **no trying to fly the ship with out looking

**2. **no trying to get EDI drunk

**3. **Jacob and Miranda are not having sex with each other

**4.**Jack and Miranda are not having sex with each other

**5. **no trying to kill the female me from a different universe

**6. **when on Omega no trying to take over

**7. **the Normandy is not a pirate ship and I am not your secret weapon

**8. **no trying to use Mass Relays that are still repairing themselves

**9. **no trying to calibrate the guns without Garrus's permission, he tended to get cranky

**10. **no trying to find a intact Reaper and try to "assume direct control"


	2. second chapter WOOT!

Jane Shepherd was trying to see how her brother kept control of this crew while she went out on missions. She had to deal with Kaidan and Ashley arm wrestling and then having an all out brawl, Wrex and Grunt having a headbutting contest to see who was better, Zaeed and Kasumi stealing anything that wasent nailed down (and they even stole the Galaxy map, Jane was still trying to figure out they had done this with out anyone seeing) and Jacob and Thane getting into a fight. Some days she just wanted to never get out of bed, she then remembered that her brother had set up a list of rules and that he had told her that she could add to if she found anything wrong with the crew so she sat at her computer and opened up the rules server and started to write

**11.** do not try and dance naked around the Galaxy map because you are starting to creep out the bridge crew

**12**. no trying to steal the Justicar's things

**13.** no trying to get Joker to shave

**14.** no trying to get Grunt drunk (he does things you people do not want to know about

**15. **Jack is not a piece of modern art (we will not save you if you ask if you could submit her to a gallery back on Earth)

**16.** Tali is not aloud to try and steal anything

**17.** Saren is not aloud to try and steal the Normandy

**18. **Ken and Gabby are not aloud to have sex in engineering (when Tali walked in on you she almost had a panic attack)

**19.** we are not aloud to make a super weapon

**20. **Joker is not aloud to use the method of "pointing at a random system and going there"


	3. Chapter 3

when the Illusive man had asked John and Jane Shepard to destroy the Collectors they had never thought that the crew would be utterly insane, perhaps one of the ways to measure how so was the recent incident on board

"Joker we can not nail a thrasher maw skull to the front of the ship" John Shepard told the pilot with a growing sense of dread that the man they trusted to fly the ship had finally cracked after many hours waiting around for John and Jane to finish killing anything between them and the gunship "why not commander? it would look very cool and tell people that we are not to be messed with" that EDI said "Jeff if you attach a skull of a Maw onto the ship it will unbalance the nose of the ship and also make seeing outside the cockpit impossible" Joker replied "alright but I am getting a pair of fuzzy dice and sticking them on the roof and you people can not tell me to take it down" "alright next time we are on Earth we will get some fuzzy dice for the cockpit" John said as he walked out of the cockpit to go take a look at his personal terminal so he could add more rules to the sheet that would be sent to everyone's personal terminal as soon as he was done

**21.** no trying to use the ship to take over the Galaxy

**22.** when some one hangs a sock on the doorknob do not enter

**23.** no trying to sneak up on Joker

**24.** Mordin is not aloud to test on people

**25.** no trying to destroy a Mass Relay

**26.** when on Earth do not do anything that would get you in trouble

**27.** While you may not like it, we can not run on caffeine and sugar alone

**28.** when using the ommnitool fist you are not aloud to shout "I AM A MAN!"

**29.**no hacking EDI

**30.** Leigon is not aloud to try and fly the ship


	4. I'm back!

John was seriously contemplating getting a bottle of whiskey and curl up into a ball in his bed on the Normandy. After getting yelled at by Jane and being thrown out of his bedroom he was going down to talk to Garrus who was having a quick snack down in the mess hall before getting back to calibrating the thanix gun, as soon as John left the elevator he saw Javik looking at a slice of pizza, seeing that Garrus was not at the mess hall yet he decided to talk to his Prothen squad mate "hello Javik" said John "hello Commander" replied Javik "of all the new foods of this cycle it is this one I find appealing" Shepard took a closer look at the toppings on the pizza and said "you are aware that there is too much cheese on this right?, and the fact that you are having onions on your pizza concerns me slightly" Javik looked confused "I had been told that you could put onions on your pizza" John chuckled and replied "you're supposed to chop up the onion before you put it on the pizza" Javik looked puzzled and then chuckled while shaking his head "that explains why your sister asked me why my pizza was so weird and then walked of muttering about needing you to talk to me" John looked over at the gunnery station and saw that Garrus had walked out and started to eat his dextro paste. saying goodbye to Javik and walking over to Garrus was sitting John noticed that Jack had gone into Miranda's office when he had entered the mess hall and had not left since he had been in the room, as he walked over to the door to see if no one was dead yet he heard the sound of springs bouncing and decided to not bother before he saw something he might regret

**31.** no drinking on the job

(this means you Joker)

**32.** no declaring Independence from the council

(they will use force to retake the ship)

**33. **no hooking up your DVD player to Liara's broker network

(especially porn)

**34.** no playing games while you are working

**35.** for the two women outside the War room, no switching name tags

**36. **no stealing Garrus sniper rifle

**37.** no taking anyones cookies

**38.** no flirting with Grunt

( Jack has a unique way of messing with his head)

**39.** no trying to build your own gun

**40.** Thane is not aloud to kill someone because they annoy him

**sorry for not updating for a while real life got in the way and tomorrow I may update some other stories**

**Spaceboi101  
**


	5. all aborad the party ship!

**review responses**

**catalyst: yeah I am not good with typing English and this story is unbetaed (I don't know how to get a beta so if anyone wants to offer send me a PM please and thank-you) also enlgish is my first language and I am in high school so yeah I hope to get better at making jokes  
**

**ships in this story : John Shepard/Ashely, Jane Shepard/Kaidan Alenko, Jack/Grunt (don't judge me), Jacob/Kasumai, Joker/EDI  
**

**41.** No challenging the bridge crew to a race on office chairs

(we still want to know how they manged to do it without Joker noticing them)

**42.** no drinking on the bridge or in the shuttle bay**  
**

(Cortez had to lock up the shuttle)

**43.**When the emergency alarm goes off, never do or say the following:

*'Nobody panic! Nobody panic! Just follow these simple instructions...crap, where'd I put them?'  
*'I never said they would never find us, I recall saying that it would take longer..'  
*'Who's in charge here?' Then answer by pointing to the opposite person. (John and Jane.)(That really made me laugh.)  
*'Anyone know how to turn this thing off?'  
*Once again, finding a virgin to sacrifice. (The Cerberus are not interested in virgins.)(Not that I know of.)  
*'Why didn't they DOOOOOOODDDGGGGEEEE?'

**44.**Never say the following randomly, during meetings, or when you're near Javik:

-Yo face! (it confuses them soooooo horribly.)

- Yo momma! (I love it when they respond "What about my mother!")

-Uh, does anyone have a giant tampon?' (That is just fun to say all around.)

-Wait...the snakes were supposed to be fake?(John took off running.)

-Which way to the happy house?

-Fuck you! *hold one middle finger up* Up the ass! *other middle finger* Twice! *criss-cross* (Jack really thought that was funny.)

-OMG YOU WOULD NEVER BELIEVE WHAT JUST-kitten! *run towards imaginary kitten* (Of course, I did that when Anderson and Udina were in the room.)

-*whisper with tiny grin* .-ja-jay!.Peni!

-Hmmm, I wonder if I'm going to have sex tonight.

(Wrex yelled: Fuck you!)

(I screamed: LATER!) (Tali and Jane face palmed.)

**45.** Masturbation is a topic to be avoided at all times.

**46.**Quotes from Jimmy Neutron, be it the show or the movie, are not good to say randomly.

*'I must've made a tiny miscalculation.' (If by tiny, you meant a huge explosion which sent you flying a hundred yards out of your lab and land upside down against the wall, then yeah...just a tiny miscalculation..)(Mordin needs a new hobby that doesn't involve electricity and gasoline.)

*'You heard the man, stop sucking your thumbs and let's light this candle!' (I love saying that after John's gives an order...or says about anything for that matter.)

*'Some of the greatest inventors of all time started out as complete failures too.' (Wow, Jacob..)(That was the worst pep talk I've ever heard.)(Mordin was not happy.)

*'Y'know, Turchanka has very clean restrooms.' (Grunt said that randomly.)(Garrus was just staring.)(Jane and I just about pissed ourselves laughing so hard.)

*'If we get blown up, whatever's left of me is kicking your butt.' (Yet another Mordin experiment gone awry..)

**47. **The Infirmary beds are NOT to be referred to as 'slabs of bone shattering agony'.

**48. **no quote who's line

*'Don't mess with the neon love chicken!'  
*'If you loved me, you'd swallow it.' (I apparently walked in atthe wrong part of that conversation.) (Wonder what Garrus and John were talking about?)  
*'Oh, sorry, one of your eyebrows fell off.'  
*'...Now, how do we put the leopard back together?' (Good question..)  
*'I spent all night making those frilly pink uniforms, and I expect you boys to wear them!' (Jacob and the other soldiers refused...)  
*'They're nipples, identical nipples...' (Miranda was drunk.)  
*'Hello, I'm Suzy the Vagina.'(Like I said, vagina jokes are popular around the Normandy.)  
*'From the time I was born to the time I was died, and then I was reincarnated and came back as this, bowling has been a big part of my life. Sure, it's not really a sport, but it's got great music attached to it!' (That can cause a few odd looks directed at you.)  
*'I love our banter.' (Aw, Grunt!) (I do too.) (Not sure about everyone else though..)  
*'That was so beyond crap that it would take a spaceship 15 years to get to a planet close enough to look through a telescope at the crap it was.' (I said that all in one breath.) (  
*'I have bruised my dynamic duo!' (Joker is never going to have children..)  
*'Does this shirt make me look kind of boxy?' (Joker can be so funny sometimes..)  
*'Oh yeah it was. Would have been better if your head burst into flames. That would have been neat.'

**49. **Whenever Grunt asks the following questions, leave the room or change the subjects very quickly.

*'What does yaoi mean?' (You should've seen my face..)('T..That depends on which one you mean...')  
*'What is Hentai?' (Of course when I don't tell him anything, she goes to Wrez..)('I don't know, little runt, let's go look it up...')(Jane and I nearly had heart attacks.)('NOOOO!")(And proceeded to destroy the monitor.)

**50.**quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000 are discouraged.

(But like I said, we haven't been really following any of the rules so what the hell?)

*'What's a giant eye going to do, pick you up and wink you to death?' (That's just really fun to say randomly.)

*'They just put a bunch of movies in a blender and pressed the 'Mix' button!'  
*'Um... hakuna matata?' (Don't say that when Garrus is giving you the 'look'.)  
*'Oh I love going to Bar. I usually order sandwich and have drink.' (For some reason, whenever I say that, Jacobjust loses it.)(I've never seen him laugh so hard.)

*'Dude, she's retracting her neck like a turtle.'

*'James, I think the voices in my head are a little louder than usual.' (Oh Leo..)

*'Whoa! A creature whose face is 80% eyebag.' (Jazz is so damn funny!)  
*'Every male of _any_ species has the biological urge to panty-raid.'  
*'Guys, just skip the music and go right to the heroin.' (I just giving Vega and John crap for their musical talent.)(Or lack there of..)  
*'It's good to know that the future has CONSTANT ORGAN MUSIC!' (Leigon really hates Organ music.)  
*'Oh, great! You just shot down the Destiny Ascension, you dope!' (Garrus...*head desk*)*'Hey, you can throw things through Hackett! I'm gonna get an anvil!'('Please don't throw things through Hackett!')  
*'It's like they have two servings of tension yet they're trying to stretch it out for seven people.'  
*'So, she threatened him with sex?' (Oh Jack, I really don't need to imagine Garrus and Tali's alone time...)  
*'I've been diagnosed coo-coo.'  
*'Boy, Grunt's a strong blip on my gaydar.' (Sorry Jack, I had too.)  
*'Haha, I'm bleeding internally!' (Joker and I laughed for quite some time.)

**sorry for not updating for a while real life got in the way and tomorrow I may update some other stories**

**Spaceboi101  
**


	6. Just what happened up there?

**review responses**

**catalyst: yeah I am not good with typing English and this story is unbetaed (I don't know how to get a beta so if anyone wants to offer send me a PM please and thank-you) also English is my first language and I am in high school so yeah I hope to get better at making jokes  
**

**ships in this story : John Shepard/Ashely, Jane Shepard/Kaidan Alenko, Jack/Grunt (don't judge me), Jacob/Kasumai, Joker/EDI  
**

Every inch of John Shepard's body hurt, after an failed attempt to run to the beam which had ended with only two survivors (him and David Anderson) and the supposed death of the Illusive man AKA Jack Harper (John had shot him in the chest) he woken up and found out that the Catalyst was some kind of AI that was created to stop conflicts between Synthetics and Organics (which John had found kind of odd because a few weeks ago he had made peace between the Geth and the Quarian people) and that was when He met the man who helped him save the galaxy.

"there are no other options, you must choose" the Catalyst said while he gestured to the three paths that lay before him when someones voice rang out from the corner "except that's not true is it?, how many times have you done this? waiting for some poor soul to make his way to this room and telling him something about that him being the only one that arrived here before and when he makes a choice you just continue the cycle again, that's what happened to the Prothean's before and that's what will happen when Shepard makes that choice" when John tried to find the source of the mysterious voice he saw a human the same height as him in a t-shirt, jeans, trench-coat and a cowboy hat walking down the pathway that lined the room, noticing the confused look on the Spectre's face he said "you may call me the Wander" and then the Wander turned to talk to the Catalyst and said "so you think you could wipe out another race, I know I wasn't there to stop this before but I'm here now and I am powerful and angry" and as if to prove his point he held out his fist and pulled it shut while outside John saw Harbinger being crushed into a ball and being thrown into another Reaper destroying them both.

When John looked back at the Wander he looked him in the eye and said "John you may want to cover your eyes because this is going to be bright" and a giant ball energy appeared in the strange mans hand and he threw it into the pit in the center of the room and all of a sudden it was like every light in the universe suddenly turned on and the Reapers out side started turning into dust, over hid coms he heard Hackett saying "Shepard what is going on over there?, the Reapers are being destroyed, Shepard?" and that was the last thing John heard before he passed out from the pain.

When he came back around he was laying outside the beam and the Wander was leaning over him and held out his hand to help him up, after finding his team he found out what had happened a golden beam of light left the Crucible and vaporized the Reaper's, when asked what happened to Anderson James said "strangest thing happened, one minute we were all fighting next thing Anderson teleported into med-bay and the Reapers started to turn to dust, just what did you do up there Loco?"

**cliffhanger because I'm evil like that**

**sorry for not updating for a while real life got in the way and tomorrow I may update some other stories**

**Spaceboi101  
**


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